First off, I gotta say, you guys are a hoot! Jens with his INIs, Howard and his Hash, and Jooel, well he's Jooel.

Manimal,
I don't know how you are planning to pull together all the inventory info but wouldn't the subnet/dept already be in there? Just need to compare with what you've got. If you have nothing, then you don't know what subnet/dept is the true home.

So basically, look at the many subnet calculating UDFs and pick the one that best suits.
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Give a man a fish and he will be back for more. Slap him with a fish and he will go away forever.